Monday, July 09, 2007

Politically correct consumation

Warning: Adult content.

Sunday evening is when we all have our late night cuppa, and sit in the living room, with each of our lappie ladden laps, lazily browsing. Then comes the most common discussion among us.

Me: What type of condom are you planning to wear for your first night?

Let me tell you. This might be the millionth time we have talked about it. However, the question never ceases to stir our deepest emotions.

Roomie_1: I won't fuck in my first night. Dude, mostly I would be too tired after the whole ceremony. I will sleep.

The reader should be aware that the Hindu wedding ceremony is quite draining. Mostly sitting in front of the agni (ceremonial fire), and receiving blessing from elders which involves a lot of prostrating (push-up like motion). And we remind ourselves that "making lowe" is for polite pricks. Real men call it "fucking" or more aptly "action".

Roomie_1: Of course, I will get action every night for one full month after that. Then probably I will get bored.

Roomie_1 is the confident type. He probably mistakes "action" for some pious prayer that he can do in his room... alone. We politely remind him of the other character, Mrs. Roomie_1 involved in this process. And again with a brilliant show of confidence...

Roomie_1: I will divorce her if she does not agree. You know, refusing to have sex is a strong reason for divorce.

This is probably his only legal knowledge. I pray for him. Everyday. Then the second Roomie interrupts us.

Roomie_2: This is all bullshit. I will not be tired and all. But I still won't fuck her. I will talk with her and get to know her better.

Roomie_2 always needs to know better. He always reads nutritional facts before he eats anything, always reads EULA (End User License Agreement) before he signs. Even he does not understand what "polyunsat trans fat", he has to know how much of it is in his food. Ask him why he will not talk to her before marriage, and he has a ready answer.

Roomie_2: The first night is where you have a excellent opportunity to get close and talk. That is when you get to talk to your wife in private for the first time.

The dude is probably horny as hell, it is a shame he cannot show it. He thinks spouting such "sensitive" ideas will make him a ladies' man. He keeps forgetting, he is sitting among a bunch of ruffians.

Me: If you really go with your plan, your wife will probably think you are a girl too.

And then we all laugh at Roomie_2. Yes, we all have an excellent sense of humour.

Roomie_3: See, the first night is supposedly sacred. It is when you are supposed to unite physically unite with your spouse. Whatever I do, I will take a pack of condoms with me.

I give a smug smile because I beat Roomie_2 with an even better politically correct, statement. I also included in my answer an unpredictability factor. I did not talk of a singular condom but a "pack" thus implying all-night action. It is a winning combination.

However, they thought I probably will use "pack of condoms" to blow balloons! Sons of silly persons, I blow my nose in their dinner direction!

The best thing about Sunday night conversation is that, we all know that premarital action is out of reach, because you know "we come from respectable families". But even the seeming possibility of the supposedly memorably post-marital fuck looks forever postponed...

We brilliant graduate students, are infinitely intrigued by the random woman we are going to meet. I don't know if girls are like this, but every Indian guy talks about girding his loins for the first night-out with his wife.I know there are a bunch of married girls who visit my blog. Ask your husband what he thought was going to happen. I am sure he had wild dreams about his first night, before he met you.

* I think this is one of a kind document. No-one has ever written about guys like us.

* This is a work of fiction. My roomies and I are infinitely handsome, immensely sensitive, brilliant and successful lads. We use the phrase "making lowe" instead of the crasser alternatives mentioned above.

* The first female commenter for this post (who has got something real to say) will get a toffee. :-)

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Blogger vishesh said...

skl talk!

and no offence meant,just wanted to say,its all tooo a common topic....and i dont give a fuck on the marriage ceremonies....:)

Monday, July 9, 2007 at 10:46:00 AM CDT  
Blogger The Visitor said...

I rated the content of your blog, a couple of days ago using

Believe me it was rated as suitable for 'General audience'.

Today your blog has a rating of 'Restricted'. And the weird part is that it has given the rating based on the occurence of certain words, and none of those words were the crasser alternatives mentioned on your post. Even the rating sites don't use those words.

Monday, July 9, 2007 at 11:17:00 AM CDT  
Blogger The Kid said...

@vishesh: I believe ceremonies are for a reason (a more scientific reason than just "believing it")

I am twelve years old, it is only logical that I speak school talk. :)

@visitor: I try to give warnings to all my posts. The blog-rating site was cool.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 at 1:08:00 AM CDT  
Blogger The Kid said...

It is only predictable that none of the female readers will want to comment for this post. Thank you for your cooperation ladies. :)

To break ice here is a incentive:

The first girl who comments here with something real to say, will get a toffee from me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 at 1:10:00 AM CDT  
Blogger rads said...

lol, no, I don't need toffee and candy. I started reading your post at work and hurriedly shut it down after a couple of lines :p

All I have to say is don't underestimate the girltalk. Girls talk, and we talk details, and modus operandi, the hows and the whys and the whats and we are so not shy lilies. ;-p

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 at 5:34:00 AM CDT  
Anonymous Ph said...

If I asked the husband, he might deny it altogether. Otherwise you know I would be ohsowilling to help you.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 at 6:09:00 PM CDT  
Anonymous Twisted DNA said...

LOL. Well written. Very funny.

This specific post could be fiction, but I heard this conversation so many times. I even blogged about it

Being a married man, I wouldn't say a word on either side :P

Thursday, July 12, 2007 at 8:05:00 PM CDT  
Blogger artnavy said...

very well written

u know the diff betwene nice ones and good ones
the good ones come home and go to bed
the nice ones go to bed and then come home

Dont know how it is connected, but i recollected this when i read the!

Friday, July 13, 2007 at 4:29:00 AM CDT  
Blogger Ravi said...

one advice.. get married, dude!

Friday, July 13, 2007 at 9:16:00 PM CDT  
Blogger The Kid said...

rads: well done kiddo! Will treat you if we meet. Hopefully soon

ph: too bad you think people will deny having such a conversation. I don't think so.

twisted_dna: Damn it man! Anything I write, someone else does it before me! You put that very well in your blog!

Ravi: the girl of my dreams is no where to be found. When I get her, I will let you know. :)

Friday, July 20, 2007 at 7:11:00 AM CDT  
Blogger The Kid said...

artnavy: surprisingly you commented, albeit you completely wandered off the topic. No married person wants to talk about it I guess :(

Friday, July 20, 2007 at 7:13:00 AM CDT  
Blogger The Visitor said...

My first time

Saturday, July 21, 2007 at 10:15:00 PM CDT  
Blogger The Visitor said...

Hi Kid,

I was today reading your some of your comments on my blog - and I should say that your iNtuitive and Perceiving aspects stand out. :) Of course there is no question about the Extrovert part.

Sunday, July 29, 2007 at 7:10:00 AM CDT  

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