Wednesday, May 31, 2006

In defense of my fibs

I got tired of all the names being called, the looks, the explanatory emails that I should be virtuous and blah blah. The reason for which I will explain. It so happens I lie. Not like "Ma, I didnt do it!", but much more professional. I would actually swear at someone who fibs like that. I mean, what is the point? You know you are lying, your Ma knows you are lying and even if you are not, it sounds like a lie. If you already do not know the first rule of lying probably you will not understand anything else here.

Rule 1:"For a lie to serve its purpose, it should not sound like one."

And I lie a lot. A lot here refers more like, every day and could sometimes mean every other sentence. I do not confabulate or have Korsakoff's syndrome. Confabulation is lying and thinking that what was lied actually happened. I am not like that and I strongly believe I do not have (hopefully) any psychological problems. But then again, I have lied in situation that have required the intervention of a well crafted fib and I have lied just to test my skills. Once I suddenly and randomly (as always) decided that I had to lie and get away with it. I still remember it, someone had asked me to take cold beer and I had said an innocuous "Oh no, I am on medication for my allergies and so no alcohol for a month." I think it must have been very well taken because I did not get any more invitations for beer that evening.

Rule 2: Lie sparsely. Dont waste them for stupid reasons.

Lying is sometimes good and obviously sometimes bad. Professionally if you fib here and there, dude - dont blame this blog entry as your inspiration. Like that South Korean kick ass cloning researcher who just brought a dog to his lab from the local animal market and claimed to have cloned it from cat. He didnt exactly do that, but if you fib in the "Science" journal, I guess it is tantamount to giving away your career for a dog's poo. Or like the Clinton fella who lied in court about this Monica Lewinsky sucking his dick. He would have been indicted for perjury if not for the presidential pardon.

Rule 3: "If everything else fails, tell the truth."

Yeah! it is the kind of saying your grandma would say, but I guess they say that for a reason. It should make a lot of sense. I did not want to get serious but I also did not want to get into trouble and so the statutory warning "LYING IS INJURIOUS TO BODY AND MIND."

Coming to the fun part, some silly buggers can be taken care of with a glib fib than harper about the actual thing. Once I met a fella who was very determined to have everyone smoke a cigar. It is not like I dont smoke for the fear of lung cancer or anything (did you know the risk of lung cancer drop drastically as soon as you quit smoking ?) but the stupid sensation that it leaves in your throat like you had had a sore throat for a week or so. Anyway, when came to me, I just shot in a real sober tone "Thanks, but I quit." Not only was I not offered one after that, but was admired for my courage and determination to have purged a bad habit!

Rule 4: "A lie should help you and not spoil your reputation."

I should have followed the fourth rule. But anyway, most of the people around me know I am very glib because I told them. Now none of them trust me. Those dumb asses dont even understand that I revealed a secret not because I dont want anyone to trust me, but because I was letting them know my true self.

Rule 5: "Lying is better than truth, but silence is the best."

Sometimes, whatever you say, even if you are the King Solomon and saying the absolute truth, some pig headed retards will listen and will think otherwise. It is not like people cant believe what you say, but just that they are so pig-headed! It is much better to just stop talking to such people. No good is every going come by befriending them! The worst is, all of a sudden someone just shouts "Nice going with that!", as though Mr. Detective Jackass here just found my fib with a lie detector when all I would have said was "I like olives on my pizza."

Rule 6: "People cant see shit. Polygraphs are no better."

Talking about Polygraphs, I think I will pass any polygraph. Seriously man, how the hell can you say if someone is lying using heart rate, respiratory rate, blood pressure, electro dermal activity. If anything, these just look for external symptoms. I know that my heart rate (was beating like crazy when I was trying to say the truth last time), respiration (I always breathe heavily), blood-pressure (nah), electro-dermal (dude, I dont sweat even in hot summer!) dont go crazy when I lie. So I can get away with a polygraph... I think anyone can get away with a polygraph with a little bit of practice.

It is not like I am only one on earth who fibs. Everyone does. You compliment your fat wife of how beautiful she is, right? and your wife's hair (Oh My God!!) So dont point your fingers at me. Even worse is a pie-lie, that is, if fibbing to a bunch of people and it is obvious to some people but directed at the ignoramus. Never never trust them that they will play along the joke. I have said, "I am the elder twin", "I do not know xxxxxx language", "Hi, I am a lawyer" (I really can speak legalese), "Aah! My sister used to live in Europe", "My wife is not in town, so can we...", "My girlfriend does not like me having lapdances!"... and everyone of them being followed by a "WHAT??" within 3 milliseconds.

Rule 7: Have fun.

Really, what is point in saying the truth ALL-THE-TIME. You go to a party every week, meet 5-6 people every week. Do I always freaking have to say my real name, my real job. Its going to be the same small talk every goddamn time. Next time, try a different accent, a sudden engagement ring, a drunk stagger, a male-chauvinism, change your boring career for crissake, take about your vacation to caribbean, your bitch of an ex-wife, your rifle, your pet,...

just make something up!

Monday, May 29, 2006

Waves of jealousy

Until recently, I was of the pretty much of the idea that I was rocking, in mind and body. A few informational bits will give you the same impression. I am a runner (I just ran a half-marathon), can play N numbers of outdoor games, pretty much glue to a bunch of guys (even if I don’t speak their language), doing blazing research academically, career wise your dream etc etc. I was on the way to become what I call "Ultra Optimized Alpha Male" (UOAM) until a girl almost said, "I would rather do less painful things like put my head in an oven than talk to you!" Yeah, it started then.

I can drive reasonably well, which includes an occasional miss of a red light or a stop sign. Well when I was driving a car (it was a dodge for Heaven's sake) I was admiring how wonderful it was to be in control of a 1 Ton metal beast, which runs smoothly with just a few gallons of petrol. I was cruising at 90 mph. Suddenly, I was jealous. It is hard to imagine a grown person being jealous of a non-living thing but fancy it. I realized that the sidewalk and the trees on the side of the road were moving much faster now than when I usually run. I could never run as fast, or as far or as consistently as this bombinating stupid metal machine. And if I am tired I cant just eat a little more and continue to run. Stupid, dumb car. Who likes a car anyway. I can jump, can a car jump ?? I am just so frustrated that, jumping is the only thing that comes to mind that makes me supposedly superior to that automobile. But, I (mankind) made the car and a car did not make me.

Such artificial confidence boosters do not really help and I do not like cars any more.

Suddenly, I feel that almost everyone around me was rubbing my wound, even Woody Allen. I was watching "Match Point". In this movie the main male character is a tennis teacher, likes a rich girl, decides to get married. His soon to be father-in-law likes him and makes his career (yeah... It happens "just like that"). He also likes his girlfriend's sister-in-law. And they fuck. Man WTF! What the hell is this movie ? Was this movie made just to piss me off ? To start with he was not even handsome. He looked like he had a plastic surgery on his lips and could use some more surgery.

To top it all, she gets pregnant; he promptly plans to kill her, kills her and gets away. He then "decides" to love his now wife and gets her pregnant and they live happily ever after. Who wants to see such a lame ass movie ? I would rather be hit by a projectile diarrhea in my chest than to see it. You might have guessed right: I finished my beer and promptly left the movie theater.

I am seeing a life, pretty much like Napolean Dynamite. "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like nun chuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills."

If there are any girls out there, who are reading this, I would like to inform that I can hack computers. If you want to test, please leave your static IP address in the comments section and stand back and enjoy the show. I am learning bow hunting too, this summer.

If I was a girl, I would not really want to test me in any of the above *skills*.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Endorsement Rescinded

I hereby, by this blog entry, rescind my previous endorsements, to Mr. Maddox and his book. I did not expect him to be funny forever, but in his book, encouraged by a publisher inspired by the popularity of his blog (will not link it) he has failed miserably in his book "Alphabet of Manliness".

It would be accurate to state that he has officially jumped the shark. He has unbashedly pandered to the stupid violent below-average american male teen. In all his 150 or so pages, not only did I not find one thing funny, but actually found him quite offensive. I guess all these years his funny (smart) way of writing had covered up for his offensive satire.

He is no longer my spiritual guru. I dont think losing a fan like me would bother him too much, when he is so busy writing self-appreciative crap.

DONT READ "ALPHABET OF MANLINESS" unless you want to rationalize your child molestation or domestic abuse. It is not funny.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Mpls highlights Posted by Picasa