Sunday, July 29, 2007

Tell Tale 20 - Postnatal Story IV

Gui, The Girl

I woke up from my sleep with a jolt, because there was someone near my cage who called for help in qualese. "Is there anyone here!", came the cry for help again. I turned to the right and there was another baby! At last I knew I was not alone.

"Qi", I said. She responded. We just looked into each others eyes for many minutes. I was not even trying to talk, and we both knew about what happened to each of us since our birth. The crushing squeeze into the world, the loss of one of the appendages, the incessant biggie infestation, Goochi's sedative. We just understood each other! I could see the pain in the eyes and if not for the underdeveloped tear glands we would have cried our hearts out.

"Gui" was the name of the other baby. "You should also have a name", declared the Gui and unlike the biggie world, babies get to choose their names. I chose "Ee" as my name. We were both extremely happy in our own little conversation when two very loud nurses came and started changing our fishy restraint (diaper). Then as this was going on, I saw Gui free as a baby, with no fabric or fishy restraint. Gui had no fishy, but looked very beautiful! Without the artificial embarrassment emotions, we both smiled at each other at the free show. Gui had a very pleasant smell, so very different from the nurse's stench.

Gui unabashedly asked me "What is that between you legs?", and I replied "I call it fishy but have no idea what it does!", and as Gui was looking at me, my fishy felt very funny. Before I knew, there was a sudden stream of sparkling liquid from my fishy that hit the nurse right on the face! Gui and I both gurgled in delight, at the little discomfiture I gave for the nurse. I guess I was the world's tiniest rebel. I said, "take that you bully! You deserve that for restraining my fishy!" For the first time since we were born, Gui and I had forgotten about the misery in our lives.

After we were both tied up in our little shackles and we continued our conversation. I innocently asked "Did the biggies cut away your fishy?", she answered in the negative and we then realized that even though we had so many common things, we were pleasantly different in our own ways.

We talked about the biggies in our lives and exchanged our ideas about the world. Gui also was given the tasty liquid but not by the same Goochi, when we both realized that our Goochies were giving us individual attention. "I somehow got to like my Goochi", Gui said, "I do not think Goochi means to hurt us". Gui had a point. Even though our Goochies utter incomprehensible blabber, they never tried to hurt us. Gui was very wise, I knew I wanted to be with her all the time.

After all the talk we were tired and we fell silent. I fell asleep after some time and when I woke up, I was not in the same room. I never saw the same room again. With the room, I also lost Gui. The one person with whom I could talk, communicate, relate and laugh, was gone. Forever. With age, Gui would forget about me, our little rendezvous in hospital nursery. I never told Gui how I felt about her. I cursed myself for not doing so. I had so much to tell to her, but I fell asleep.

Never did I see Gui again. She would be a biggie now, maybe married and maybe even a mother herself. But, I still remember her as the bald baby without fishy. Every now and then I recollect, every word she said, her smell, the way she gurgled in delight when I peed on the nurse.

Fate it seems, is without a hint of charity.

PS: If you think you might be Gui, please contact me.

The Rosetta Stone:

Goochi -> Mummy
Qualesce -> Baby Language
Biggie -> The grownups
Ee -> My name
Gui -> Another girl baby's name
Fishy -> The strange appendages between my legs :-)
Appendages-> limbs, fishy and umbilical cord

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Friday, July 20, 2007

Rhyme duel

You must have heard the phrase "for no rhyme or reason". Here is some rhyme, but reason you might have to find elsewhere.

I was drunk yesterday, and had dual (on chat) with one of the greatest bloggers in the whole world, Archana. Obviously I won, because you know I am a punk and was drunk! Here is the document, that she lent. I leave it to you, for the plebesite to decide on the winner.

It started off nice.

Archana: why are you drunk?
me: I drank beer
but no need to jeer
11:48 PM Archana: i will keep in the clear
like a cute little deer :-D
me: sad little rhyme
atleast without grime
11:49 PM Archana: when goes by more time
it will be worth more than a dime
me: better than a mime
lemony lemony lime

and gets heated up soon enough!

12:34 AM knock knock... at the door
Archana: whos there
me: who comes for more?
Archana: an yellowstone bear?
me: with a green pear
12:35 AM Archana: looking rather dear
me: with an intent to sear
Archana: and then maybe tear
me: never gonna care
12:36 AM Archana: Ah dont you dare
me: for the bodyguards you have a pair
Archana: are they fair
or do they just glare
me: run like a mare
or I will pare
12:37 AM Archana: is a pare a word
my knowledgeable lord

Ends in a weird note.

me: I heard she likes maddy
like all girls shady
12:56 AM I am all sturdy
but her tastes are all tardy
Archana: you reek of envy
dont you dare deny
me: maddy is gay ***
and I will make him pay
Archana: again i try my pal
12:57 AM can I say thats all?
try as you might
get it right
me: sorry for your plight
but mine is the fight
12:58 AM you may be tight
but never see light

Take a look at the duel here.

*** I did not mean to offend the gay community. I really heard a rumour that Madhavan ("Maddy") is gay.

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Monday, July 09, 2007

Politically correct consumation

Warning: Adult content.

Sunday evening is when we all have our late night cuppa, and sit in the living room, with each of our lappie ladden laps, lazily browsing. Then comes the most common discussion among us.

Me: What type of condom are you planning to wear for your first night?

Let me tell you. This might be the millionth time we have talked about it. However, the question never ceases to stir our deepest emotions.

Roomie_1: I won't fuck in my first night. Dude, mostly I would be too tired after the whole ceremony. I will sleep.

The reader should be aware that the Hindu wedding ceremony is quite draining. Mostly sitting in front of the agni (ceremonial fire), and receiving blessing from elders which involves a lot of prostrating (push-up like motion). And we remind ourselves that "making lowe" is for polite pricks. Real men call it "fucking" or more aptly "action".

Roomie_1: Of course, I will get action every night for one full month after that. Then probably I will get bored.

Roomie_1 is the confident type. He probably mistakes "action" for some pious prayer that he can do in his room... alone. We politely remind him of the other character, Mrs. Roomie_1 involved in this process. And again with a brilliant show of confidence...

Roomie_1: I will divorce her if she does not agree. You know, refusing to have sex is a strong reason for divorce.

This is probably his only legal knowledge. I pray for him. Everyday. Then the second Roomie interrupts us.

Roomie_2: This is all bullshit. I will not be tired and all. But I still won't fuck her. I will talk with her and get to know her better.

Roomie_2 always needs to know better. He always reads nutritional facts before he eats anything, always reads EULA (End User License Agreement) before he signs. Even he does not understand what "polyunsat trans fat", he has to know how much of it is in his food. Ask him why he will not talk to her before marriage, and he has a ready answer.

Roomie_2: The first night is where you have a excellent opportunity to get close and talk. That is when you get to talk to your wife in private for the first time.

The dude is probably horny as hell, it is a shame he cannot show it. He thinks spouting such "sensitive" ideas will make him a ladies' man. He keeps forgetting, he is sitting among a bunch of ruffians.

Me: If you really go with your plan, your wife will probably think you are a girl too.

And then we all laugh at Roomie_2. Yes, we all have an excellent sense of humour.

Roomie_3: See, the first night is supposedly sacred. It is when you are supposed to unite physically unite with your spouse. Whatever I do, I will take a pack of condoms with me.

I give a smug smile because I beat Roomie_2 with an even better politically correct, statement. I also included in my answer an unpredictability factor. I did not talk of a singular condom but a "pack" thus implying all-night action. It is a winning combination.

However, they thought I probably will use "pack of condoms" to blow balloons! Sons of silly persons, I blow my nose in their dinner direction!

The best thing about Sunday night conversation is that, we all know that premarital action is out of reach, because you know "we come from respectable families". But even the seeming possibility of the supposedly memorably post-marital fuck looks forever postponed...

We brilliant graduate students, are infinitely intrigued by the random woman we are going to meet. I don't know if girls are like this, but every Indian guy talks about girding his loins for the first night-out with his wife.I know there are a bunch of married girls who visit my blog. Ask your husband what he thought was going to happen. I am sure he had wild dreams about his first night, before he met you.

* I think this is one of a kind document. No-one has ever written about guys like us.

* This is a work of fiction. My roomies and I are infinitely handsome, immensely sensitive, brilliant and successful lads. We use the phrase "making lowe" instead of the crasser alternatives mentioned above.

* The first female commenter for this post (who has got something real to say) will get a toffee. :-)

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Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Tell Tale 18 - Postnatal story III

I woke and and found myself imprisoned in a short and soft cage. It did not have a ceiling but since I could not even get up, it was impossible for me to escape. I was very stressed out and I was beginning to show signs of early life crisis. I then tried to remember what happened last. I was with Goochi and she had tranquilized me.

Just then as I was planning my day, a bunch of biggies came in (pests don't knock, do they?). It looked like the circus was town, and they were very happy to find yours truly, newly caged. Then a biggie, reached out into the cage and touched me! Yuck! The hand was as big as my face, with nails as long as 1cm and just plain ugly. Can you imagine a huge dirty hand as big as your face touching you everywhere? I came to know about BlankNoiseProject much later started by biggies who did not liked to be touched by other people... but even back then I wanted to start something called BabyNoiseProject (actually QuaQuaProject)!

Then when a biggie touched my palm I quickly graped the finger, and I was glad I could grasp it firm. The biggies ignorantly understand my primitive grasp reflex of a new born as a way to hold on to mommy! Yea right! What they don't know is that, we hold on to your finger only to prevent you from touching us!

I had dexterously grasped every finger which came to touch me when there was sudden flash of light! They kept saying "cheese"! And bang, another flash! I was blinded by the flash and even though I had silently wished to be blinded than to see these biggies again, I never really meant it. The bastards blinded me! Again they called me "Cheese" and more flash bangs. I dawned on me that they had named me "Cheese". "Cheese" sounded like a very sophisticated and endearing name. I had no qualms about that.

A particularly interesting biggie was smiling a lot at me, and even looked proud. Initially, I was not sure about the source of the pride. Then I saw it come closer. Closer and closer. Aaarh! The biggie was going to eat me! "Qua qua" I screamed. The biggie was not proud but happy about the dinner I was going to become. Then in a grotesque display of magnanimity, it touched my cheeks with its lips and retracted! I prefer to be eaten than this. Why? Why did the biggie touch me with its lips? Is there even a reason? I also happened to see a close up of the biggie's face. There were black thorns covering the lower half of the face. The biggie had transparent eye protection, so I had had to abort my plan to poke its eyes.

Then the biggie put some grainy crystals into my mouth. Aarh! I screamed "Do you have to kill every one of my senses?". And I saw a sudden change in their behaviour. They were very discomforted by my scream. Did they really listen to me? I was stunned by such a vague sign of decency. After all there was hope. The effect soon vanished, and they got busy violating my senses again. I screamed again, and this time louder than ever. I kept repeating it until Goochi came and shepherded them away. I was much relieved, as though Goochi was any better.

I guess this is the punishment I get for screaming. So, whenever I scream, Goochi is going to come. I cried "save me! save me", but again like before, I was tranquilized with the yummy liquid and silenced. Caged circus animals are treated more humanly, I tell you.

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